Why I Stopped Asking “Why Me?”

How learning to choose myself transformed years of survival into a journey of healing, peace, and self-love.

"I wondered if anyone ever knew how close I was to falling apart." - Flavia Tash

Yesterday morning, I was on the elliptical when the song “Why Me?” by Flavia Tash came through my headphones.

I had never heard the song before. As I listened to the lyrics, especially the part about being tired because you’re always the one everyone comes to, always helping, always giving, but feeling guilty when you are the one who needs something, I felt something shift in my body.

As the song came to an end, I noticed my breathing was heavier. My chest felt full. I could feel the emotion sitting there.

But the interesting part was that I wasn’t crying. I wasn’t spiraling. I wasn’t sad in the way I would have expected.

I was remembering.

I was remembering a version of myself who knew exactly what that feeling was like.

For a long time, I was the woman asking, “Why me?”

I was the woman who wondered why life always felt so heavy. Why I always had to be the strong one. Why people naturally came to me when they were struggling, but I felt uncomfortable admitting when I was the one who needed help.

Through two marriages, raising my son, stepping into the role of raising my grandson, caring for sick family members, supporting friends through their struggles, and carrying responsibilities that sometimes felt bigger than me, I learned how to survive by becoming the person everyone could depend on.

And honestly, I was good at it.

I was responsible.

I was capable.

I was dependable.

But I was also exhausted.

Because somewhere along the way, I confused being strong with never needing anyone. And eventually, I got tired of always being the strong one.

I still remember a moment during my first marriage when the weight of everything finally caught up with me. I was standing in my laundry room and I just broke down.

I sank down onto the floor in the middle of that laundry and cried because I truly believed nothing was ever going to change. I remember feeling so alone, so invisible, and wondering why my life had to be this way.

Why me?

...somewhere along the way she forgot she was someone worth taking care of too...

Looking back now, I have so much compassion for that woman because what she didn’t understand yet was that she wasn’t weak. She wasn’t failing. She was just tired. She had spent so much time taking care of everyone else, carrying everyone else’s needs, and being the person others could depend on, that somewhere along the way she forgot she was someone worth taking care of too.

And that realization became one of the biggest pieces of my healing.

For most of my life, I measured my worth by what I could do for other people. I focused so much of my energy on being a good wife, a good mom, a good grandmother, a good daughter, a good sister, and a good friend.

I spent so much time making sure everyone else was okay that I rarely stopped to ask myself the same question.

Was I okay?

This past year forced me to finally answer that question honestly.

When my marriage ended, when my life changed, and when I found myself having to rebuild pieces of myself I didn’t even realize I had lost, I had a choice. I could stay in the pain and keep asking why everything happened the way it did, or I could start asking different questions.

Instead of asking “why me?” I started asking: What is this trying to teach me? Who do I want to become? What do I need? What makes me happy? And maybe the biggest question of all…What if I finally chose myself? That’s when everything started to shift.

Choosing myself didn’t mean I stopped loving people. It didn’t mean I stopped showing up for the people who matter to me. It didn’t mean I stopped caring deeply.

That’s who I am. I will always be someone who feels deeply, loves deeply, and wants to support the people I love.

The difference is now I am one of those people.

And maybe that’s why the next song that played yesterday morning felt like such a beautiful reminder of how far I’ve come.

As “Why Me?” ended, another song started playing.

“No Expectations” by Shift to Abundance.

And I smiled.

Because if the first song represented the woman I used to be, this song represented the woman I am becoming.

This year of healing has taught me that so much of our pain comes from trying to control things that were never ours to control. We create expectations for how people should love us, how they should support us, what they should say, what they should do, and then we measure our worth by whether or not they meet those expectations.

But healing has taught me something different.

Other people’s actions are a reflection of where they are in their own journey. They are not a measurement of my value.

I cannot control whether someone chooses me. I cannot control whether someone understands me. I cannot control whether someone shows up the way I hoped they would.

But I can choose me.

I can understand me.

I can show up for me.

And there is so much peace in that.

This year I stopped chasing outcomes and started appreciating moments. I stopped waiting for everything around me to feel safe before creating safety within myself. I stopped asking other people to fill spaces that I needed to learn how to fill.

I stopped asking, “Why me?”

And started realizing…

Why not me?

Why not choose myself?

Why not create the life I want?

Why not believe I am worthy of the same love, energy, and effort I have always given everyone else?

The woman sitting on that laundry room floor all those years ago had no idea she would become the woman on the elliptical yesterday morning.

The woman who could hear a song about her pain, recognize it, honor it, and then let it go.

Because healing isn’t pretending the hard parts of your story never happened.

Healing is reaching the place where you can look back at those chapters with love and realize…you don’t live there anymore.

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